Whaddaya call that?

          It is obvious to me that we need to work on how we name things.

          We drive on the parkway and park in the driveway. I get that. But why must we pay a toll on the freeway?

          I once threw change at a highway ripoff receptacle and missed. Grumbling, I put the car in park and opened the car door to retrieve my lost wages so as to re-toss it at the basket. I discovered lots of lost change on the ground and I picked a lot of it up, using it to pay the tolls for the rest of the time I was in the area. Obviously, this is what is meant by public funding. A grant from the On Ramp Endowment.

          I am amazed to see that not one single college junior attends a junior college.

          When you play golf, you have to pay greens fees. But golfers like me shouldn’t have to pay greens fees, since we never actually reach the greens. Wanna charge me fairway fees? Fair enough, I’m willing to pay a fair sum. You know, some fair sum for some fun on the fairways. But it would be way more fair to call it what it is: A land use fee.

          And speaking of golf: You tee off with a driver, hopefully hitting the ball down a fairway of the ball’s choice. Wouldn’t it be more fair to drive the ball down the driveway with the driver?

          I must be missing the obvious with this one: The Bible says the quality of God’s work is, “good.” But television says a knife that slices tomatoes is, “amazing.” Huh?

          In baseball, if a right-handed hitter hits the ball down the first base line, it’s called “going the other way.” In golf, if you hit the ball in the exact same direction, it is called, “a shank.”

          In baseball, if you get a base hit off a blooper that hardly reaches the outfield grass, they call it a “Texas Leaguer.” What do they call it in the Texas League?

          They have something called the free throw line in basketball. Good name. But shouldn’t they call the area near the basket the free-for-all line? Things get violent down there.

          If a player on the opposing team admits to committing a foul, in any sport, it is good sportsmanship. If a guy on your team does the same thing, it’s called, “stupid.”

          General Meade won the battle of Gettysburg and was demoted. General Lee lost the battle of Gettysburg and tried to resign without success.

          President Lincoln was murdered while in office and his killer was shot by a soldier while hiding in a barn. This was called a “manhunt.” President Kennedy was murdered while in office and his killer was shot by a citizen in a police station. This was called a “conspiracy.”

          The Cleveland Rams moved to Los Angeles and then to St. Louis, winning a championship in each city. The Baltimore Colts moved to Indianapolis, winning titles in both towns. The Chicago Cardinals moved to St. Louis and then to Arizona, winning, well, nothing really. The point is all three franchises retained their team names. But the Cleveland Browns moved to Baltimore (the town the Colts left) and now call themselves the Ravens. Cleveland (the town the Browns left) got a brand new franchise which was named the Browns. The new Browns got to keep the all-time records and statistics that the old Browns had, while the Ravens, a 60-plus year old franchise that has won championships in two different leagues, started from scratch in terms of statistics. I’m not sure what to call that.

          If you think of an answer, let me know. Until then, thanks for reading.