My latest grand vision...

Years ago, I used to terrify my family with the following sentence: “I’ve come up with my latest brilliant plan.” The kids would groan and look worried. My wife would nod her head and then brace herself.

                I never knew why.

                To quote the late Paul Newman in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, I’ve got vision and the rest of the world is wearing bifocals.

                Why doesn’t the rest of the world see this: J.R. Hildebrand, the rookie who crashed out of the lead in the final corner of the last lap of the Indianapolis 500 Sunday should have already contacted advertising/marketing execs from every automobile insurance company in the world with the following script proposal:

                “Hi, I’m J.R. Hildebrand. Nobody knows better than I do how tough it is to make a left turn in traffic. That’s why you need (fill in company name later) insurance. No matter if you scrape your car into something or have some other type of accident, they’ll help you get your job finished. By the way, if you make a mistake, fess up to it. I did and it got me into this neat commercial.”

                Show Hildebrand’s wreck while he’s talking.

                This is a guaranteed winner. A can’t miss hit. The obvious Commercial of the Year Award winner.

                But I doubt you’ll see it.

                Did anyone take note of the fact that Kevin Harvick won the Coca Cola 600 when Dale Earnhardt ran out of gas on the last lap? One of Harvick’s sponsors is Shell gasoline. He should be filming an ad this week about the benefits of attaining better gas mileage from Shell gasoline. He isn’t allowed to use Shell in his race cars, but that is not the point. His ad would go something like this:

                “Hi, I’m Kevin Harvick and I’m a race car driver. Believe it or not, we need good gas mileage, too. That’s why I know that you should be buying Shell gasoline. You’ll always know you have the best team in the business helping you and your car get where you need to go.”

                And we see Harvick racing by the slowing Earnhardt on his way to the checkered flag.

                Then there this neat little dirt track in southern Alabama named Deep South Speedway. High banked dirt, 4/10s of a mile. And the track is near Loxley, Alabama.

                Loxley. Know what I’d do if I ran the place? Can’t you guess? I’d search all over the area for someone named Robin and call him or her Robin of Loxley.

                Yes, your memory is correct. That was Robin Hood’s name, Robin of Loxley. And Loxley, er, Robin, would be driving a Plymouth Arrow, sponsored by Target. I guarantee you; the Loxley Target Arrow would be eligible for competition in one class or another. And all of Robin’s crew would be dressed in green.

                Why do I think these ideas would sell? Because a generation ago, some genius marketed the idea of pet rocks and people bought ‘em. Next to the pet rock, my ideas look pretty good, don’t you think?

                Thanks for reading.