DON’T
WORRY, BE HAPPY
THE
ELDER MANIFESTO
I
sincerely hope that all of our friends will pause at this moment and send their
best regards and prayers to my wife, Amy. Her greatest fear has come true: I
have decided to run for President again.
Amy
is afraid I’ll win this time.
After
taking a look at the long list of Bozos likely to run in 2024, then at the two
idiots likely to earn their disrespective party nominations, you can see Amy’s
point. The nation is desperately looking for someone else.
“I
don’t want to live in Washington,” Amy told me.
“Neither
do I,” I replied.
“You
do if you want to run for President,” said the would-be First Lady.
“Actually,
my master plan is much better than you realize,” I said in a soothing voice.
My
master plan is to secure the nomination (I’ll announce which party later),
sweep my way into office by a magisterial voting mandate and take the oath.
I’ll enjoy a few parties, take some selfies in the Oval Office and then resign
after a few days. All I really want is the retirement package all former
Presidents are entitled to. I won’t even need a Presidential Library. Think of
the savings!
With that in mind, I’d need to have a really top-notch Vice
President. My top choice has said many times that she is not interested in
returning to government service, so I can’t choose her. My second choice might
not be available if she wins a return to her Congressional seat this year and I
don’t want to interfere with that effort. She is too important to her state to
waste her time in the White House.
So my VP choice is a guy who has the time to do the job, is
more liberal than I am on some matters and more conservative than I am on
others. He has administrative experience, deep knowledge of many aspects of
American society and, incredibly, knows how to herd cats.
My VP choice: Buck Weber.
And if Buck Weber is not elected to the Vice Presidency,
I’ll serve my entire four-year term. Think about that one for a minute.
Upon entering the White House, my first act as POTUS would
be to start playing the theme song for our campaign on the intercom: Don’t
Worry, Be Happy. I want everyone calm.
What the special interest groups miss, what our foreign
adversaries want us to forget, the thing our crazed social media has lost track
of is this: We have the best nation in the world. Ours is the best
constitutional government on the planet. If our elected officials shut up and
listen, they’ll find that we actually are led by We, the People. We
the People are tired of the mind-blowing pace, make that the MINDLESS
pace of finger-pointing in all levels of government. The ones with the most to
hide wag their fingers the most vigorously and We the People want that
nonsense to end.
Vote for Elder.
We the People want leadership with a heavy dose of
quality control. We don’t seem to have any quality control in government just
now. We need that in abundance. In my one and only cabinet meeting, I’d tell
all the Secretaries to shut up and run their departments like the
administrators they are supposed to be. Run the departments so that those
departments serve the American people and do it with a healthy dose of quality
control. In other words, I want them to do their jobs. The job title is SECRETARY
and what we need at the top of each governmental department is a competent
secretary.
We
want our borders secure, our military veterans cared for and our teachers
stocked with the tools they need to teach. All of us want those things, we just
disagree how to do it. Americans want the best government we can get with the
lowest possible taxes. We don’t like the idea of hunger in this nation, we want
farmers to make a fair profit and we refuse to be dictated to by the
governments of other nations. We don’t even listen to our own government very
often. People fought wearing masks at the start of the pandemic, remember? A
skill like herding cats can come in handy in government.
We
want to push the sciences in school so we can return to our role as the world’s
leader in the scientific development. That way we can get a grip on global
warming and figure out the best way to deal with it. That means serious
investment in both the theoretical sciences and in the trades. Once we think
the stuff up someone is going to have to make it all work. That means builders,
installers, maintenance workers, logistical experts and repair people. We
the People are going to need that stuff. Deep down inside, we all know it.
So we have to push the hard subjects in school: Math and sciences. I almost
flunked a shop class in junior high, so we’d better push that stuff as well.
Vote
for Elder.
What
we need is a calm reassessment of ourselves. We’re better than everyone else
and that’s why so many other nations don’t like us. If we all concentrate on
our own areas of responsibility and complete the daily assignment, we’ll be
fine. Where we run into trouble is when we start telling everyone else how to
do their job. Pretty soon, quality control goes out the window.
Abraham Lincoln is alleged to have said that it is better
to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than it is to speak and clear the
matter up. Sadly, the people we have in office now spend a lot of their time
clearing things up. That is generally true at all levels of government and it
has been for a long time. Remember Richard Nixon? He used to say, “Let me make
one thing perfectly clear.”
So you see my point, right? Vote for Elder.
I
appreciate your votes. We’ll win, don’t worry. And remember to be happy.
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