A seasonable debate

An Ohio native told me something I disagreed with. That led to a discussion. Generally speaking, I always believe my side of the discussion is the correct side.

The Ohio native in question did not agree with my self-diagnosis, which furthered the discussion.

Dear reader, you be the judge.

Ohio native: The seasons are changing late this year.

Me: That isn’t true. Football season started right on time, the high schools, colleges and the pros. The baseball playoffs have started. Basketball is warming up. Everything is right on time.

ON: What I mean is the Fall is coming late.

Me: Don’t be ridiculous. The football season has been going since late August and we all know that football is played in the Fall. Thanks to the television networks, the season comes earlier now than it ever has before. I’ve already been to three high school games this season.

ON: You goofy guy. I don’t mean sports. I mean the weather seasons. The ones determined by the earth’s rotation, the Sun, stars, Moon and all that stuff.

Me: No, no. You have it all wrong. Warren Moon was a star, sure enough. He played in the Canadian Football League and in the NFL, but he never played for the Southern California Sun. That was in the WFL. Moon played for the Oilers and some other teams in the NFL after he played in Canada. He’s retired from football now, so he is out of the rotation.

ON: [After a blank stare] Look: Our year is split into four SEASONS. Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall. Each season has weather conditions that are generally different.

Me: Well, I can’t afford to stay at The Four Seasons. I always stay at hotels in the (name withheld because they wouldn’t pay for the mention) chain. But this idea of yours that the year is split by seasons is poppycock. The football, basketball and even hockey seasons all start in one year and continue into the next. The auto racing season goes almost all year long, although it does not generally start earlier than January nor continue later than November. Baseball goes almost that long, too. I don’t know about the soccer season, but I really don’t care, either.

ON: [Holding his head in his hands] I have a headache.

Me: I’d have a sore wallet if I stayed at The Four Seasons.

ON: I like The Four Seasons…wait a minute, that isn’t the point. I’m going to try this one more time. Have you noticed the leaves that are on the ground?

Me: Sure. Those guys we’re paying to clean this place up have been no-shows the last few days.

ON: And how do you think the leaves get to the ground?

Me: Is this a trick question? I assume it has something to do with gravity, which is the law of the land.

ON: Wow, I’m speechless.

Me: That’s good. You weren’t making much sense anyway. You should try writing your speeches first, then reading the script. That way you won’t freeze in front of an audience.

ON: [A sneaky look crosses his face] Why would I freeze? The Fall is late and Winter isn’t here yet.

Me: This again? Fall kicked off in August and the NHRA drag racers have already had the Fall Nationals. And Fall ends with the Winter Solstice, which is when football teams start having a harder time passing the ball. This year it will impact the college bowl games first because the Solstice comes on a Saturday.

ON: I think I need a doctor. My head is spinning.

Me: Better cut back on the drinking. Let me make things easy for you: Fall starts with football. Winter comes around the time the college bowl season gets into full swing. The Winter is ready to end when the NHRA runs the Winternationals in Pomona. Get it? You need good weather for drag racing, so Winter must be ending. Spring begins with baseball’s Spring Training, right? That’s pretty obvious. And summer starts a few weeks before the Major League All-Star game. That’s why they call it the Mid-Summer Classic.

ON: Now I know I need professional help: You are starting to make sense.

Me: I have vision and the world…

ON: Wears bifocals, I know.

You may adjust your glasses now. Thanks for reading.